Kitchen Humor 101; Doughboy

* A friend sent this to me years ago, and I just came across it while cleaning up the hard drive.  I have no idea where it originated, but here it is.  Enjoy. *

Pillsbury Dough Boy Dies At Age 71

                                   

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.  He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the HostessTwinkies and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting  much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Crawfish Etouffe

I know I promised you cake by this point.  I lied my sweetlings.

Next time.

I promise.

I've posted this before, but that was back when my only follower was moi, so it was more of an excuse to practice writing.  ... and possibly a cover of appearing to do homework when the family was wanting dinner, and I didn't want to get off my duff to feed them.

It happens.  Which is why my children now ask, “Is it Fend For Yourself again, or are you actually going to feed us?”

Kids.  What funny little things they are!

So, the 3 or 4 who read this now - THANKS FOR STOPPING BY!  I've included the recipe this time, because I'm awesome like that.  I will offer an advanced warning though; Etouffe does not photograph well; Annie Leibovitz be damned!  To be blunt, etouffe photographs often look like someone vomited across a plate.

(AAaahhh, see what I mean?  BTW, this is a thick version with roe in the sauce.)

(This is a runnier version.  BTW: this rice has quinoa in it.)

Thankfully it tastes much better, so y’all are just going to have to get past the photos.

I KNOW.  Now you're REALLY bugging to try this one!  But one thing I’ve discovered regarding food; sometimes the most amazing dishes I’ve clamped my mouth around look like something my primordial brain nixes as toxic, with the high likelihood of ensuing intestinal protestations.

I assure you, it’s safe, and it’s not just Cajuns and hillbillies that eat it.

A little 411 on the whole crawfish thing;

 1.  Like anything that comes from the water, fresh is best.  They do sell frozen, but if your going to like the dish, do yourself a favor and buy fresh, because nobody likes fishy etouffe.  Not even hillbillies.  (Check your farmers markets.  ... For crawfish, not hillbillies.)

2.  Crawfish are called different names in different locations.  Yanks call them “crayfish”, and Southerners; “crawwerfeesh”.  Up here we call them “Bugs”.  You get the point, so if nobody knows what a "bug" is, try another name.

3.  Crawfish are typically brown-ish, and turn red when cooked. 

(NDY, or for those unschooled in cheffie terms; NDY = Not Dead Yet.)

However, some have been found like this; 

(Don't hold your breath, these are extremely rare.)

4.  Crawfish are NOT mini lobsters.  If you believe that’s what your eating, slap yourself and belly up to reality.
Lobster, no.  Still yummy.

OK, enough of that.

Per my usual, I turned on the tunes to get me in the cooking mood.  It was ABBA.  Again.  I’m sure the neighbors appreciated the ambiance as I opened up the house, because believe it or not, it was sunny and hot.  Though in reflection, it almost seems wrong to boil an animal to death while listening to “I Have A Dream”.

I got over it.

First things first; Nuances of the recipe

•  The recipe calls for duck fat and oyster / clam juice.  The duck fat actually does impart a nice flavor, but if you can’t get it, olive oil suffices.  The oyster / clam juice can often be found at Wal-Mart.  Check the Asian or seafood areas.  I even find it at Publix and Safeway.

Yes, the recipe requires it.  Keep looking.  You'll thank me after you find it and try the dish, and I'll be very proud of my little minions you.

•  Also, TT = To Taste, keeping in mind hot food tends to reduce flavor.  Better to under season and have to add, than to over do it.
•  For tips on presto-magico-look like you know what your doing -bell pepper cutting, go here.  Do it, you'll thank me.
•  Mise en place your ingredients before you start cooking.  That means get everything measured / weighed out up front, so it's ready when you need it.  This includes the cooked rice.  

Again, you'll thank me.  And I'll let you.

(Look at that!  Mise en Place; everything in its place.)

Crawfish Etouffe:
(For questions on words in blue, scroll down to "Helpful Hints".)

2 T.  Duck Fat

2 T.  Flour

**********

1 Med. Onion / small diced

1/2 C. Green Pepper / small dice

3/4 C.  Celery / small dice

2 Cloves;  Garlic / minced

**********

1 tsp. Salt / or TT

1/2 tsp. Black Pepper / TT

1/8 tsp. Cayenne Pepper / TT

2 T.  Tomato Paste / TT

2 C.  Clam Juice / Oyster Juice

1 T.  Red Wine Vinegar

**********

1 Pound  Crawfish˚˚

**********

1/4 C. Green Onions / Chopped

2 T.  Parsley / Chopped

Cooked Rice† 

Method:

Make a roux* by combining the duck fat and flour.

Add: onions, celery, green peppers, and garlic.  Incorporate into the roux; sweat˚ in roux until onions turn opaque.

Next Add: tomato paste, all dry seasonings, clam juice, and vinegar.

It should look similar to this.

Simmer about 5 minutes, or until desired consistency.

Add: crawfish just before serving, as they cook quickly.

Taste, and season as needed.

Now, it should look like this.  I did add extra tomato paste.

Scoop rice serving, ladle etouffe over the top, and garnish with green onions and parsley.

Helpful Hints

˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜

•  ˚˚If crawfish are precooked, they require less cook time.  Also, if purchasing fresh crawfish you may come across one with roe.  These are the eggs, and when added to the dish they bring out a whole new dimension - a FANTASTIC one!  If you find roe, consider yourself lucky, and get as much of it into the dish as possible.

•  *A roux is a mixture of equal parts fat and flour, cooked down in a pan to cook off flour taste.  The darker (not to be confused with “burnt”) the roux, the heartier the taste.  Roux should be about peanut butter consistency.  If you’ve never made it, follow the recipe, adding flour if needed.  Don’t worry about a dark roux on your first try.  You’ll be adding vegetables to the roux, so it will continue to cook and darken a bit as the vegetables sweat.

•  †Make enough rice for everyone to have as much as they want with the dish.  Usually 2 C. dry, suffices.  To find out how to make perfectly cooked rice every time, go HERE

•  ˚To “sweat” means to heat in pan, similar to sautéing, only lower heat, until vegetables take on a sheen, and onions become semi translucent.  The vegetables will “look” as though they are sweating.

(Pre-sweat)

(Done sweating.  Subtle differences; note the darker roux and translucent onions.)

  

Personal Switch-Ups:

•  My husband likes more cayenne, but the daughterling can’t take it.  Better to add less, and let him add what he wants to his, so that everyone is happy.

•  I usually add a whole onion, a whole pepper and about 3 /4 celery stalks.  I also add more tomato paste.

•  Some people prefer runny etouffe, others like a thicker version. (Like what you see in the pictures above.)  To get the runny to turn thicker, reduce the sauce until it’s just about where you want it, then add the crawfish.  If you’ve over-reduced, add a little water and mix it in.

The thing with etouffe is, it’s not going to be what you expect.  My daughter is going through the “I hate seafood” phase, and anything that remotely smells fishy, she’s not going to touch.  She LOVES this stuff.  (Yes, I know crawfish are freshwater - that’s besides the point.)  When I make it on a night when she’s sleeping over somewhere, I’m going to catch an earful the next morning.  Soon I’m going to have to visit Pike Place Market and pick up some fresh, local bugs, or she’s going to disown me.

I would love to hear that someone gave in to adventure, and at least gave this a try.  As always, I’m available to answer questions.  In fact, I DARE someone, anyone, to make this.  It’s really pretty quick, and only sounds difficult.  If you’ve ever made more than toast, your golden.

DO IT!
You know you want to.

A Quickie In The Kitchen: Perfectly Cooked Rice

Ask yourself; Am I the kinda gal who resorts to trickery and cheating when it comes to cooking?  Do I spend far too much on the latest kitchy appliances that Wal-Mart rolls out?  Does the thought of having to “cook” something without the use of a microwave, hamburger press, or other such ill conceived nonsense, make me want to kitch?  Lastly, do I own a rice cooker?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you're in need of my services.  Especially if you have the rice cooker.

OY to the VEY Wonder Woman!  Tell me it isn’t so!

You bought an appliance to cook rice?  Seriously?

People, I’ve burned water before, and even I can cook rice.

So, my dear readers, have I got an eye opener for you!  How would you like to learn how to cook rice better, cheaper, and probably faster, than that worthless appliance?  Without fail, every time, and even when the power is out?

(Here is where you nod and chant “YES!”  Over and over until your neighbors come to see what they’re missing.  Go ahead.  You can start anytime.)

Let’s get started then, shall we?

There are more than 40,000 varieties of rice world wide, so we’re going to narrow it down to the stuff you most often find in your local store; medium / long grain, white rice.  All you’re going to need is rice, water, a pan, and lastly, a stove.

Oh yes, you’ll also need eyeballs and a finger.

Start by putting your rice in the pan; amount doesn’t really matter, but don’t get silly.  Basic rice is going to expand to 3 times its original size.  Broken down into cups that means 1/3 cup dry rice = 1 cup cooked rice.

Next, your going to rinse the rice.  Do this by sloshing water in the pot and agitating the rice with your hand.  You will see a milky cloud begin to appear - drain this off and repeat about 3 times.  That milky cloud is starch, and the more you leave in, the more sticky your rice will be.

NOTE:  I generally rinse 3 / 4 times, using a mesh strainer to catch any rice that falls while I pour out the starch water.

After rinsing, start adding water, shifting the pot back and forth to level the rice on the bottom.  While most people use a formula of 1 part rice to 2 parts water, I use my index finger.  ... That’s the pointy one.

Basically, with the rice flat across the bottom, I use my index finger to measure the water level from the top of the rice to the surface of the water.  As a general rule I put in enough water to reach the first knuckle on my finger.  

If, for some reason I’m making a lot of rice ( “A lot” being more than 1 1/2 cups dry. ) I’ll go to the second knuckle, or somewhere in between the two.

Don’t worry about perfect knuckle length.  It’s not rocket science, just rice.  Size doesn't matter here either, unless your a gorilla, in which case, use your pinkie.

Next, turn your stove on to the notch just below the high mark.  I find this keeps the pot from boiling over so much.

Now, allow the water to boil down until it’s level with the rice.

Not below the rice, just to the level of it.  It will be rather bubbly, this is good.

Yes, you will need to pay attention and watch it, that is why God gave you eyes.

Now, turn the burner down to low, put a lid on the rice, and set a timer for exactly 10 minutes.  You may have some overflow initially, so just crick the lid off at an angle until it calms down, then put it back on level.

After the 10 minutes, remove from heat, fluff with fork, and serve.

You just did what no machine could do, and that’s watch a pot boil.  Kidding.  You’ve made rice just as good as, if not better than, a machine.

Now, don’t you feel a little better about life?